Journal#11: A creature of routine

I’ve been struggling to know what to add, since the world turned into an episode of Black Mirror.

I’ve been on Twitter a lot in the past couple of weeks, and there’s a whole community of people who’re making the best of this bad situation and those that are sharing their lowest points. We’re all going to have these in the months to come.

I’m one of the fortunate ones. I can work from home, and I have a husband that it’s a joy to be stuck in a house with. For years (when we were younger) we lived in a one-room flat and had no money to do anything, so we’ve had plenty of practice. 😊 We have food – even if it’s only random bits that we could find in Sainsburys – and our house is warm. But like most people, I have vulnerable people in my life that I’m worried about. People I’m desperately trying to organise food deliveries for, and calling to make sure that they mentally remain on a plateau.

When this whole thing was emerging, a lot of writers and freelancers were posting; “Now’s the time to get that project done!” But with everything so up in the air, I’m finding it hard to drum up the motivation. We’re being urged to use the time to work, but all I want to do is sit and stare at my hands.

I’ve always been arty – so I’ve been using some of the time to craft some things that don’t matter. So long ago that it seems like another life, I was a fibre artist, and it’s a long time since I’ve made something or painted just for the sake of it. So I got out the clay and made a few things before smushing them up again. Something about the changing and impermanent nature of our days made me less precious about keeping my sculptures.

In the end I sculped only two things which I kept. I think I’ll put these on the shelf above my desk. One is a creature of habit (just like me), and the other judges me for being so.

caroline hardaker writes

caroline hardaker writer

And I am writing. I’m working on a LOT of things at the moment – poetry and fiction – so it’s just as well that I can. It’s just more of struggle. It’s brought to life how much of a creature of routine I am. Because at the moment, every day we wake up, the situation is different. Things have changed. And as someone that meticulously plans EVERYTHING it’s meant that I’m having to adjust all the time.

One strange effect is that I find it hard to think further ahead than today. Am I the only one like this?

As a result, the days are getting longer, and I’m thinking a lot more in the moment. It’s strange and unnatural to be forced into this place, but it’s probably doing me some good. 15 years of pranayama, meditation, kundalini, and tai chi – and who knew that all I needed was to be told to stay home and not leave the house.

This post has been one long ramble so far – but I felt like this blog needed to be a human one. At a time when we can’t touch or stand closer than two metres from our friends, we need to emotionally connect in other ways. By using technology. By being honest and truthful with each other. By doing kind deeds. By listening.

We’ll find a way. Be healthy, everyone. Be well.


4 Comments Add yours

  1. Marija Smits says:

    I hear you, Caroline! I think it IS hard to look to the long-term now, but like you said, the new normal is more about being in the present and appreciating what we have right now, here and before us. Much love to you and your husband. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Much love to you too Marija! Take care.xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I love the crow (I hope its a crow) whatever it is its gorgeous. I know what you mean about lacking in motivation its hard to focus on a project even if you have the time when everything is so unsure. 🙂


    1. Thank you! And yeah – I’m pretty certain it’s a crow. He seems to be everyone a favourite!


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