Journal#8: When You Want to Hide

It’s March. WTF?! Two months of the year gone already. I’m currently sitting in my living room, typing by the blue light of the sun setting on snow. The hail is battering against the window, I’m wrapped up in 173 layers of wool and polyester and cat, and I feel… Odd.


I’ve felt a bit odd all this year so far. I had my usual plans for how this year should go (see my last post which gives you a clue as to how my plans weren’t quite working out so far), but even as I lay them down on paper I didn’t quite believe what I was writing. This year felt like it might be a huge one for change in some way, but I’m wondering what sort of change that might be. The truth of it is, I’ve felt quite frustrated for the first two months of this year. I’ve battled several bugs, excessive fatigue (thank you CMT), and I’ve had a few disappointments along the way too. And though I’ve had some really low nights, I’ve bounced back quicker than I normally do. Could this be – dare I say it – positivity? Bah! Humbug! I’m normally existentialist through and through, Goddamnit!

Honestly, I annoy myself. I’m not a patient person. I find it immensely hard to drop something and set it aside for a few months while I cope with the other stuff. I joyfully set up project after project and then very quickly feel overwhelmed – losing myself then in the feeling of drowning. Everything becomes foggy, and I don’t know where I am anymore. I’m a walking contradiction, a crowd of people in one head. No matter what I do, there will be always be a part of me left disappointed, or afraid. I’m my own worst enemy, and my own best friend. I’ve struggled with this a long time, this fullness of character yet lack of a single identity. Is this a quality of the creative? Always looking beyond one point of view? It’s likely that I should just accept this. It’s me. I have to live with that, and all the anxiety and downward spirals it comes with. I’d love to hear from the rest of you – whether you live with a crowd of contradicting characters in your noggin. What helps you to balance them out?

I’m off on an adventure next week, and this might help. For two weeks I’ll be travelling around Nepal, visiting temples, national parks, artisans’ studios, and the Himalayas. I won’t be doing much of the novel, or editing my next poetry collection, but I’ll be bringing a pencil and a notebook to record all I can. I’ll miss home, and I’ll probably feel guilty for not working on my current projects, but the lure of an adventure can change anyone’s outlook. Look at Bilbo Baggins.

Writing in nepal

As a slight aside, I have a poem included in the latest issue of Riggwelter. Enjoy!

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